I AM worth it!

This post may seem confusing as you read it. It's going to confuse me as I write it. It starts out talking about our church service this morning, then goes into the past, and then back to the present. Hold on, this is going to be a crazy ride...

My church gets crazy sometimes. Not rattlesnake holding and all that kind of crazy. I mean serious praisin' goes on up in there. For the most part, it's a fairly normal service. I'm sure our preacher is a little funnier than most, and is thoroughly engaging as well. We're blessed with his awesome orator skills, and the funny stories he tells. We're also blessed with a fabulous praise team. All are blessed with extremely beautiful voices or some other musical talent. They don't just sing. And that is what I love about them. The pull you in, speak to your heart, and start the service off right. They really get into their songs too. It's hard not to believe and have faith and an open heart when they're on the stage before the service. Every week, after the praise team sings, one of them does the announcements. This is Stacy's job. And she does a great job at it. She is also quite entertaining and very charismatic as well. Sometimes she gets really into it, and starts "preaching". Not really, but her words are often a great word from God.

I'll be honest, I was paying attention today, and crying. I heard everything she said. I wasn't zoning out or daydreaming. I was there, mentally and physically. I know she was talking about health issues of her own, and I remember a couple other people speaking. But all I remember her saying is "You are worth it. Don't let the devil tell you otherwise." In a short summary (as far as I can remember anyways), she was talking about how the devil is sneaky. How he tells you lies and confuses you and makes you dwell on things that aren't healthy and how he drags you down. But all I remember full on and crystal clear was "You ARE worth it.". That's it.

Now, here's where we travel into the past....It's gloomy up ahead....so hang on. I'll try to make it brief.

My whole life I've felt that I'm not worth it. No, that's a lie. For 10+  years I've felt like I'm not worth it. In reality, it's more like I've felt like I'm not good enough. That's pretty much all I've been told. I've always had my faults pointed out and talked about and never had my accomplishments bragged about. Or at least, it was seldom done in front of me. I don't like to toot my own horn, but when I'm in a great mood and feeling awesome, I like to think I've accomplished a lot. And I know that I have. But, when that's all you know. When that's the majority of what is said to and about you, you begin to believe it.

I've always loved art, and have mentioned it in the past. I drew, and sketched and painted and all that jazz. My parents told me how awesome it was and how talented I am. But after a couple months, that "new talent's" awesomeness wore off I assume. So, nobody cared. Or if I showed my newest masterpiece off, it was accepted with a shrug and nod of the head. And if I was lucky, super lucky, I'd get a "looks cool." or "that's great." After awhile, I stopped.

Same with softball.
Same with band. (Alto & Tenor sax for 4-5 years. Oh yeah, I'm a "bandie"! :))
Same with a lot of other stuff that I really enjoyed.
It got to the point that if I wasn't doing something that made someone (namely my parent's because my Nanny was gone at this point so I no longer had her support in anything.) else happy and proud of me, then I wasn't doing anything. That's all I wanted was the support, pride and feeling of making my parent's happy. And I'm not sure I ever accomplished that fully. Maybe I did and they're just those kind of people who don't show their thoughts and feelings like that as readily as most people. Or maybe I'm crazy. Maybe they thought that by not "babying" or whatever, then I'd be more independent. Ok, I'm pulling stuff out of my butt now. I have no clue as to what their reasoning was or is, and like I said, I may be crazy.

And it wasn't just when I was younger. It's been recent as well. I had told my dad about my thoughts about venturing into photography. His reply "How are YOU going to be a photographer? Do you even have a good camera?" At the time I was rocking a Canon Powershot, but I was rocking it hardcore and doing a good job using what I had at that time. But that's not the point.

Oh, and it wasn't just my parent's. I had a professor argue with me for 30 minutes about how it would be impossible for me to be a veterinarian. Because I'm too short according to her. All I could think was "I'll get a step stool! B*tch!". Or the supposed advisor who kept insisting I change my major to anything besides vet medicine because of how much in debt I would be by time I would finish school. I kept trying to tell him that My parents didn't pay my way and hadn't since I was 16. I pay my own. For the most part, I mean, Josh makes a ton more money than I do. And my papaw will usually help me out if I really need it, but I always pay him back. Sorry Joshua! You married me! We share now babe! ;)
So, obviously, I'm no longer in college and definitely not a veterinarian. I'm sure God has a plan for me with all that. I really need to start praying more often for a better job and/or to win the lottery so I can pay my school loans off. Sheesh.

To summarize it all, I've always been treated and just felt that I wasn't good enough for anything. Or I wasn't good enough at anything. It's funny though, as long as I am doing what everybody wants me to do, or what pleases them; then everything is fine. But as soon as I stop and start trying to make myself happy, then all hell breaks lose and it doesn't matter if I'm doing what makes me happy because they make me miserable. My life, in a nut shell, was hectic and crazy, it scary to a LOT of people. It was easy, and difficult, and stressful, and every single other emotion as well. It's been it all. Kind of. Don't get me wrong, I do love my parents. They are my parents after all. And if it wasn't for them, I definitely wouldn't be who I am today. Whether or not that is exactly a good thing is up for debate. Just some people are different. I've seen more in my life than a lot of people twice my age have, I have more knowledge about things that I shouldn't have and don't like knowing about than lots of people. But, that's me. Sometimes it comes in handy.

Back to the present. I've read a couple different things recently that have really made me think about myself. I've heard stuff as well. Things that just spoke to me I guess you would say. I'll include those little quotes and verses later. ***But right now, I need to get back to Stacy....

As the day went on, I kept thinking about it. I literally have not been able to get it out of my head all day. Which is great. Except at first I couldn't figure out why. And then I got to thinking back and realized why. It's amazing really. When a realization such as that hits you, it's phenomenal. Or at least it is to me. I AM worth it. I AM good enough. I am free.

My new years resolution #2 is to do what makes me happy.
(#1 is to quit smoking....blah.)
#3 is to get back on my weight loss plan and all that. Because I am happy when I am healthy. And I'm worthy of a healthy body.
#4 is to compromise more...good luck with that....

Oh wow...way off track there...whoops...I'll continue that list later on sometime...preferably when I am not wanting to break half of them...

I thank Stacy for her word from God. It spoke to me and was something that I truly needed to hear. And something I need to work towards remembering everyday.

I also thank all those wonderful people at my church. I've learned so much from you all. And I love how different every one of you are. I love each and every one of you. <3

***Quotes  I mentioned above....
1) " I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." --Philippians 4:11-13 ---Ahhh...this is so true. I think I posted a picture of this verse when I found it. I've been through it all. One day, when I am comfortable tell it all, and I don't think my parents will kill me for baring it all, I will tell my long story. It's interesting, heartbreaking, crazy, funny, sad...etc etc. Might be a bestseller! Oprah could put it on her booklist!! Woo-hoo! Wouldn't that be something?! :)

2) "If you get lost, you can always be found..." -I heard this at work the other night. It's a lyric of a song that was playing on the radio. I have no idea who sings it or even what station it was on. It just spoke to me. I wrote it down on a brown paper bag and brought it home. If you know the artist or song, please let me know?! You won't get anything...I could say "thanks so & so for the song info!" in my next blog? It's not like you'll get famous....just tell me!

Well...I think it's past my bedtime. And Brendon is asleep and has been for a long while. I've got to get stuff done tomorrow before exercising tomorrow night (#3!!!!).

With Love & Laughter. And the sense of being worthy.

God Bless.
<3