I AM worth it!

This post may seem confusing as you read it. It's going to confuse me as I write it. It starts out talking about our church service this morning, then goes into the past, and then back to the present. Hold on, this is going to be a crazy ride...

My church gets crazy sometimes. Not rattlesnake holding and all that kind of crazy. I mean serious praisin' goes on up in there. For the most part, it's a fairly normal service. I'm sure our preacher is a little funnier than most, and is thoroughly engaging as well. We're blessed with his awesome orator skills, and the funny stories he tells. We're also blessed with a fabulous praise team. All are blessed with extremely beautiful voices or some other musical talent. They don't just sing. And that is what I love about them. The pull you in, speak to your heart, and start the service off right. They really get into their songs too. It's hard not to believe and have faith and an open heart when they're on the stage before the service. Every week, after the praise team sings, one of them does the announcements. This is Stacy's job. And she does a great job at it. She is also quite entertaining and very charismatic as well. Sometimes she gets really into it, and starts "preaching". Not really, but her words are often a great word from God.

I'll be honest, I was paying attention today, and crying. I heard everything she said. I wasn't zoning out or daydreaming. I was there, mentally and physically. I know she was talking about health issues of her own, and I remember a couple other people speaking. But all I remember her saying is "You are worth it. Don't let the devil tell you otherwise." In a short summary (as far as I can remember anyways), she was talking about how the devil is sneaky. How he tells you lies and confuses you and makes you dwell on things that aren't healthy and how he drags you down. But all I remember full on and crystal clear was "You ARE worth it.". That's it.

Now, here's where we travel into the past....It's gloomy up ahead....so hang on. I'll try to make it brief.

My whole life I've felt that I'm not worth it. No, that's a lie. For 10+  years I've felt like I'm not worth it. In reality, it's more like I've felt like I'm not good enough. That's pretty much all I've been told. I've always had my faults pointed out and talked about and never had my accomplishments bragged about. Or at least, it was seldom done in front of me. I don't like to toot my own horn, but when I'm in a great mood and feeling awesome, I like to think I've accomplished a lot. And I know that I have. But, when that's all you know. When that's the majority of what is said to and about you, you begin to believe it.

I've always loved art, and have mentioned it in the past. I drew, and sketched and painted and all that jazz. My parents told me how awesome it was and how talented I am. But after a couple months, that "new talent's" awesomeness wore off I assume. So, nobody cared. Or if I showed my newest masterpiece off, it was accepted with a shrug and nod of the head. And if I was lucky, super lucky, I'd get a "looks cool." or "that's great." After awhile, I stopped.

Same with softball.
Same with band. (Alto & Tenor sax for 4-5 years. Oh yeah, I'm a "bandie"! :))
Same with a lot of other stuff that I really enjoyed.
It got to the point that if I wasn't doing something that made someone (namely my parent's because my Nanny was gone at this point so I no longer had her support in anything.) else happy and proud of me, then I wasn't doing anything. That's all I wanted was the support, pride and feeling of making my parent's happy. And I'm not sure I ever accomplished that fully. Maybe I did and they're just those kind of people who don't show their thoughts and feelings like that as readily as most people. Or maybe I'm crazy. Maybe they thought that by not "babying" or whatever, then I'd be more independent. Ok, I'm pulling stuff out of my butt now. I have no clue as to what their reasoning was or is, and like I said, I may be crazy.

And it wasn't just when I was younger. It's been recent as well. I had told my dad about my thoughts about venturing into photography. His reply "How are YOU going to be a photographer? Do you even have a good camera?" At the time I was rocking a Canon Powershot, but I was rocking it hardcore and doing a good job using what I had at that time. But that's not the point.

Oh, and it wasn't just my parent's. I had a professor argue with me for 30 minutes about how it would be impossible for me to be a veterinarian. Because I'm too short according to her. All I could think was "I'll get a step stool! B*tch!". Or the supposed advisor who kept insisting I change my major to anything besides vet medicine because of how much in debt I would be by time I would finish school. I kept trying to tell him that My parents didn't pay my way and hadn't since I was 16. I pay my own. For the most part, I mean, Josh makes a ton more money than I do. And my papaw will usually help me out if I really need it, but I always pay him back. Sorry Joshua! You married me! We share now babe! ;)
So, obviously, I'm no longer in college and definitely not a veterinarian. I'm sure God has a plan for me with all that. I really need to start praying more often for a better job and/or to win the lottery so I can pay my school loans off. Sheesh.

To summarize it all, I've always been treated and just felt that I wasn't good enough for anything. Or I wasn't good enough at anything. It's funny though, as long as I am doing what everybody wants me to do, or what pleases them; then everything is fine. But as soon as I stop and start trying to make myself happy, then all hell breaks lose and it doesn't matter if I'm doing what makes me happy because they make me miserable. My life, in a nut shell, was hectic and crazy, it scary to a LOT of people. It was easy, and difficult, and stressful, and every single other emotion as well. It's been it all. Kind of. Don't get me wrong, I do love my parents. They are my parents after all. And if it wasn't for them, I definitely wouldn't be who I am today. Whether or not that is exactly a good thing is up for debate. Just some people are different. I've seen more in my life than a lot of people twice my age have, I have more knowledge about things that I shouldn't have and don't like knowing about than lots of people. But, that's me. Sometimes it comes in handy.

Back to the present. I've read a couple different things recently that have really made me think about myself. I've heard stuff as well. Things that just spoke to me I guess you would say. I'll include those little quotes and verses later. ***But right now, I need to get back to Stacy....

As the day went on, I kept thinking about it. I literally have not been able to get it out of my head all day. Which is great. Except at first I couldn't figure out why. And then I got to thinking back and realized why. It's amazing really. When a realization such as that hits you, it's phenomenal. Or at least it is to me. I AM worth it. I AM good enough. I am free.

My new years resolution #2 is to do what makes me happy.
(#1 is to quit smoking....blah.)
#3 is to get back on my weight loss plan and all that. Because I am happy when I am healthy. And I'm worthy of a healthy body.
#4 is to compromise more...good luck with that....

Oh wow...way off track there...whoops...I'll continue that list later on sometime...preferably when I am not wanting to break half of them...

I thank Stacy for her word from God. It spoke to me and was something that I truly needed to hear. And something I need to work towards remembering everyday.

I also thank all those wonderful people at my church. I've learned so much from you all. And I love how different every one of you are. I love each and every one of you. <3

***Quotes  I mentioned above....
1) " I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." --Philippians 4:11-13 ---Ahhh...this is so true. I think I posted a picture of this verse when I found it. I've been through it all. One day, when I am comfortable tell it all, and I don't think my parents will kill me for baring it all, I will tell my long story. It's interesting, heartbreaking, crazy, funny, sad...etc etc. Might be a bestseller! Oprah could put it on her booklist!! Woo-hoo! Wouldn't that be something?! :)

2) "If you get lost, you can always be found..." -I heard this at work the other night. It's a lyric of a song that was playing on the radio. I have no idea who sings it or even what station it was on. It just spoke to me. I wrote it down on a brown paper bag and brought it home. If you know the artist or song, please let me know?! You won't get anything...I could say "thanks so & so for the song info!" in my next blog? It's not like you'll get famous....just tell me!

Well...I think it's past my bedtime. And Brendon is asleep and has been for a long while. I've got to get stuff done tomorrow before exercising tomorrow night (#3!!!!).

With Love & Laughter. And the sense of being worthy.

God Bless.
<3

Steak & Potatoes

I love food.
There, I said it. It's out in the open now. I have a problem. With food. I love it. Problem is that it doesn't love me. Actually, the calories and fat doesn't like me...but still.
I love cooking.
I love "inventing" my own recipes and dinners.
I love watching my husband cook.
I love good food.

I may not be a great "foodie" and know everything there is to know about food. But, I don't claim to either. However, I do know good food. And I love it.

I think how a person cooks, eats and what they like says a lot about them. As for me, I'm a steak and potatoes type of girl. All the way. I'm not one to eat fancy stuff. As fancy as I get is calamari. And I was tricked into eating that the first time.

I love a good steak, some mashed potatoes and homemade macaroni and cheese. I really try hard not to cook stuff from a box that I can and know how to make fresh and homemade. My favorite food is cheeseburgers and French fries.

I eat my steaks medium rare, and Joshua eats his rare. Any more done, there isn't any flavor. I love a good ribeye. And Josh makes a damn good steak. Yummy! I especially love coming home and seeing him cooking after I've been at work.

I always want to ask him if whatever I've cooked is better than his Nanny's or his Mom's. But I know he will either ignore my question, or lie and say yes. I know better. They've had years to perfect their skills. I'm merely starting out. I'll get there eventually. But, if Josh had told me whatever I had cooked was better, I would first feel a small bit of pride. Then realize he is lying and laugh. I don't think I've ever met a man who didn't love his mother's cooking, no matter what age he is when you ask him. Which is why my mother had daughters. So we could cook for ourselves. She's not a very talented cook. Oh well.

Luckily for myself, and my sister, we inherited our cooking skills and love for food from my dad's side of the family. My dad is a great cook. I love when I go home and see he has cooked, I know I will get a good meal then. Unless it's fried chicken. That is probably the only thing he makes that isn't that great, and the ONLY thing my mom cooks that I get excited about!!

I grew up eating good food at every family function and especially at my Nanny's. I used to help her make homemade dumplings when I was younger. I thought I was so grown up when I was finally old enough to help her. I think that's where my first real love for food came from. Every meal she cooked was made with love. My papaw makes homemade jerky and beer cheese whenever the mood strikes him. Which isn't often. So when he does make it, I horde it away and try to stretch out how long it will last for as long as possible. It's delicious. When I was about 8-9 I learned the value of spices from my papaw. I had whined and cried and begged to help make the jerky marinade and he had finally gave in. So he handed me a bowl, a spoon, and set out all the sauces and spices he used. I started dumping stuff in immediately. When I handed it to him he handed it right back and said "you taste it first!"....it was horrible. He taught me to add a couple things at once unless I had a recipe and knew exactly what went into what I was making. So I added a couple different things. Tasted. Added more of other stuff. Tasted. So on and so forth, until I had what I thought was a pretty good marinade. My papaw agreed and we added beef strips to it to soak overnight. I think it was pretty successful for my first attempt.

Food is home to me. A good home cooked meal is love. Why else would someone slave over a stove to cook if they didn't love you? They wouldn't. Or, at least I wouldn't. As much as I love to share food, and invite people over to eat dinner, I don't go through nearly as much trouble unless it's someone I truly care for.

I'm so blessed to have married into a family who love food as well as I do. I'm pretty positive that every meal I have eaten that was cooked by Josh's mom or his Nanny was fabulous. And I love how they cook different things that I typically wouldn't eat. I've learned a lot from watching them all cook and eating their food. I love cooking with all of them. I'm lucky to have a husband who knows how to cook, likes to cook and doesn't complain about it. I especially love breakfast that Josh cooks. I still haven't completely gotten used to how the men in this family cook breakfast. Imagine waking up in Tennessee, and seeing 4-5 macho men cooking eggs and bacon. And doing a pretty damn good job at it too!! I love it. I'm smiling just thinking about it. So, Josh cooks breakfast at our house, and for the most part, if I'm not working late, I cook supper. It works for us. And that way, somebody isn't doing it all. Josh even does dishes sometimes! And folds clothes! He's pretty awesome!

To this rambling mess of a blog post down, I love food. I love good food. I love my husband, who is a awesome cook. And I love my husbands family, who are all awesome cooks as well. I love and cherish all the skills and little tips that many people have taught me throughout my life when it comes to cooking and food. I'm always up for suggestions, and recipe swapping. I really need to get a recipe binder/organizer. I like stuff like that to be organized and neat.

I will probably post some more about food in the near future.
And, if I remember, I may even post a few of my favorite recipes!!

With Love, Laughter, and a hungry belly,
LaShannon Spencer.

God Bless.

A Long Siesta

I am back everybody. For the time being anyways. Lots of things have taken place in the past couple months that have prevented me from making any blog posts. Which really didn't prevent me from posting, it just lead me to forget that I had a blog. Which forgetting is something that I am quite talented at! This blog post is just going to be a catch up post. To get me back in the groove and help me figure out where I want my blog to go from here on out.

I miss being able to type out my innermost thoughts without a fear of repercussion. I miss being able to get all the angst and hilarity in my life out in written (typed?) form. I miss writing. I may not be the best writer ever, but I do enjoy it. It makes me feel tons better after getting stuff off my chest. Even if it seems petty to tons of people, I dwell on random little things and it brews inside my head until I explode. People aren't meant to explode, so it's best to get out the craziness!

So, here's some catch up...

1) My old laptop died. And I mean died to the extent that I have to wipe it clean and since I have no idea how to do that and really don't want to pay $50-$100 to have someone else do it, it is just sitting there. Lifeless. And depressing. Yes, it is just a piece of technology. But, it's the first thing that I ever owned that I could tell people not to bother and I didn't have to share it. And, I've grown kind of fond of it in the past 4 years. Poor thing. Not sure what to do with it now. But my great Mother and Father in law bought me a new one for Christmas! So blessed to have them in my life. I love them and everything they do for us!

2) I got married. Yeah, I know I've mentioned that before...but it is SO fun to say!

3) WE CLOSED ON OUR HOUSE! And moved in!!! Well, partially moved in. we're working on that part! But it is slowly coming together. And hopefully I will have my photography studio up and running soon!

4) Speaking of that...I've started a photography business. Well, kind of. I've gotten some jobs, found something that draws in more clients, and made business cards. I'm progressing. It's slow work and something that I need to work on. I love it. It's something I feel confident in doing and makes me happy. So, that's where I am with that....progressing.

5) I've started working more with the "artistic side" of myself. I love art. I appreciate art. I've always drawn. Sketched. Worked with pastels. Not really a great painter or sculptor, decent when I want to be, but not as into it as I am with charcoal and pastels. Being extremely happy or horribly depressed is great inspiration for art. Unfortunately for me, I was neither. I wasn't depressed, but I wasn't happy either. Content? Maybe. Just "being" was what I would call it. But, I blame my parents for a lot of that. Moving on and forgiving those that have let you down and/or wronged you helps you more than you know. It relieves that angst and pent up anger and lets you be happy. Forgiving those people frees you. I've been told that more times in my life than I can remember, but never fully understood it. Until now. It is truly amazing and something I highly recommend for everybody. More on that in a later post...If I remember!

6) Christmas. Enough said? Yeah, I thought so.

7) Moving....oh yeah, that's a couple numbers back. I'm just still wondering where I got all this crap! And WHY I still have it!!! Lawzy.

8) New Years Eve...fun times.


That's about it. I think. I'm sure there is tons of things that I have forgotten. But, hopefully I will remember more later on and can put them in my new post. If, and I'm serious about the IF part, I remember.
Hopefully, you all shall hear from me again sooner rather than later!!
If you have ANY ideas about what I should write about or want more details on anything I have written about, please don't hesitate to let me know! I would love some ideas and advice from my "audience" and/or "fans"...still hoping for some fans....haha. ;)

With tons of Laughter and Love,
LaShannon Spencer

God Bless.