Life, Love, & Happiness.

10 years ago today, my beloved grandmother gained her wings and left this earthly world to be in heaven.

I've written about her in a previous blog about cancer. I've written about her in other blogs as well, I'm sure.

I was going to write this blog in the form of a letter to her, and had it all planned out in my head what I was going to say and how it was going to be laid out. But this morning I woke up feeling that that would be a stupid idea since she obviously has been watching over me and knows what I've been up to.
So, now what?

How do I go about writing a blog post about her when theres no way to put into words how much she meant to me and how much I'd give up to have her here with me now? Yep, that's a million dollar question.

Apart from knowing that she's not suffering anymore (and you have NO idea how much that alone means to me.) and can take a clear breath without going into coughing fits that racked her entire body now, it still sucks that she's not here.

It sucks that as much as I love Ale8, someday's it hurts to drink them because the only way I know HOW to drink one is with a straw. I got that from her.

It sucks that Red Velvet Cake doesn't have the same taste anymore because she didn't make it. It also sucks that I've given up on trying to make it, because I know mine will never be as good as hers once was.

It sucks that as much as I love the house she made a home, it hurts to walk inside it somedays so I got days without going there even though it means I don't get to see my Papaw.

It sucks that the only way she was able to be at my wedding and me be able to see her was by putting a picture of her in a charm, and tying it onto my bouquet. Yeah, that really freakin sucks.

One thing that sucks most of all? I've lost my best friend, my confidant, my encourager, my motivator, and my cheer leader. Don't get me wrong, Brendon & Joshua are many of those things and more. But it's really not the same.

My Nanny raised me. She was my life. My heart. And did everything in her power and paycheck to make me happy and to make sure I was well taken care of. Even when she was sick, and at home, and barely able to move. She was there for me. I will never forget that.

Most people have told me to look on the bright side, she's not hurting anymore and I have my own personal guardian angel. Yeah that's true. But it doesn't make the hurt go away.

I guess if I'm looking on the bright side, I can look at what happened after her death that made me who I am today.

I went wild.
I rebelled.
I snuck out.
I got pregnant.
I gave birth to my son.
I was in a bad relationship with his sperm donor.
I got out of the bad relationship.
I finished high school, while raising my son and keeping a part time job.
I met the man I now have the great privilege of calling my Husband.
I met my husbands family.
I started going to church again for the first time in 6 years.
I went to college.
I effed up going to college.
I went back to work at Berrymans.
I became a certified nurses aid. (with which, I've done nothing with. :()
I'm still at Berrymans.
I married Joshua Clay Spencer. :)
I started working towards being a professional photographer.
I'm no longer wild, rebelling, or sneaking out.
Nor am I pregnant.
I'm a child of God.
I'm blessed.
I'm HAPPY for the first time in a long, long time.
I still cry often. Like right now.
But I'm happy more often than not.
And I pray. A lot.
I trust that God will bring me through.
I trust others.
I love others. (yeah, yeah...I still "hate" some as well. I'm only human.)
Did I mention that I still cry often?

I see people in my family that look so much like my Nanny, and my heart warms because it's like I've caught a glimpse of her. Something I haven't seen in person in years. Then I realize it's not her. And as much as it hurts to realize that. It lets me know that she IS there for me. She IS watching over me. And that I don't have to worry.

By the way, Nanny, Please over look my room (and my car.) They're disgusting. I really need to work on the hoarding gene that you passed onto me. Seriously, need to work on that.

When my Nanny passed, she left me her jewelry. I used to watch her put it on in the mornings, and take it off when she would come home at night. It was ritual, a special time with me and her. She would always tell me that it would be mine someday. I'm not sure she realized how soon that someday would be. I'm sure if she had, she would have given me some guidelines to follow with what to do with it all. And I mean ALL, there's a LOT of it. I know that I will never wear some of it. And that's what she had bought it for. So, I've been making plans and decisions in my head about what to do with it. I've given my little sister a necklace, and my baby cousin Josh one as well for graduation. I've got a few pieces that I love and wouldn't part with. I've wore an old costume jewelry pearl necklace to my wedding. I've got some ideas as to what I plan to do with some of it, special things for my sister, cousins, and my own children. But I don't want the rest to just sit. It was something she loved, and worked hard for, I want to pass that on. I want other people in my family to have a piece of her as well. Nobody has forgotten her, I know that, but a more physical piece of her is what some of them need. Those in the family that were close to her, and learned something from her, or those that she truly adored. I haven't settled on a legit list of those people yet, but I do have some in mind as well as what I will give them. It's just hard to do. Way too hard to do. I also haven't told anyone else in the family besides my cousin Brittany about this plan either. Especially not my dad or grandfather. I'm sure my dad will be the one to convince, and he will probably think people have asked for something, when in reality, not one person has. Not even my sister or cousin Josh. I did those out of my own heart and out of what I felt was right.
My cousin Danielle is the only other person besides myself, my sister and Josh that have a piece of her. And my papaw gave her Nanny's Saint Christopher necklace right after she passed away. I couldn't think of a better person to have received that specific piece. It was something that Nanny wore almost everyday. I remember it hanging on the on/off switch on the lamp beside her seat in the living room at the end of everyday. I think it's served it's protective powers well in guarding over Danielle as well. She's done so much and made our family so proud. I can only imagine what My Nanny would say about her today.
Anyways, so that's my plans as of right now. It's still a work in progress. It's still a plan in progress.

There's just so many people that she touched, and those that never really got to meet her to be able to revel in her graciousness.

I know that whatever I choose to do with her jewelry, and in my life, that she will be there by my side supporting me in that decision. Because that's what she did best. Support.

There's so much more that I would love to say about her, SO MUCH MORE. But in reality, it's too much for a blog post. And I would never be able to do any of it justice.

I just hope that I am (or grow up to be) to half the woman that she was. Because, then, I'll be doing great.

In Loving Memory of My Beloved Nanny, Rita Darlene Holder. <3

With Love, Laughter, and the occasional Tears.
God Bless.
<3