Cancer is a B*tch.

Cancer. Everybody knows what it is. What it does. The pain, the stress, the energy depletion. Everything.
Everybody at least knows someone who has been affected by it. Like so & so's such & such had this kind. Or has it. Or passed on from it. Everybody has had some kind of experience with it, whether it's seeing a friend go through it with someone they know, or experiencing it within your own loved ones. It's a bitch, ain't it?
Pardon my French, but it's true. And that's how I feel.
In the past 10 years, at least 8 of those I've dealt with some form of tragedy/crisis. Lots of Cancer & death. Lots of hospital visits, lots of funeral visits. Lots of grief. Not to mention, my cousin being murdered, and two of my dear friends becoming paralyzed.
In regards to my family, can't a family catch a break for a year? I guess not. So here goes my "cancer rant"...
But really, where to start? The beginning I guess...

I never met my grandmothers mother. But from what I'm told, she had some form of cancer that she beat, and then ended up passing on due to brain cancer.
My Great Uncle Jimmy, my Nannys brother, had some form of cancer, liver I think. He beat it as well with the help of Amish medicine from this God Blessed Amish doctor in Indiana. That Amish man, works miracles sent straight from God. Amazing how he knows the things he knows and does the things he does. Truly blessed by God.
Then my Grandmother, aka: Nanny. She passed on in 2002 of lung cancer. She had surgery on her back a few years before that, but yet, the doctors saw nothing. Of course, once opened up, a cancer patients chances of having the cancer spread, is increased. So that's what happened. And it got worse and by the time they caught it, there really wasn't much they could do. Of course, catching pneumonia didn't help, and that's what ended up actually being the cause of death. But, her doctor, I won't name names but he practices in Mt. Sterling, refused to send her to the cancer center at UK. Even though he knew she was bad off and needed it. Of course my father blames him, I would like to as well just to have someone to blame, but, I can't. I am a forgiver. I may not forget, but I can forgive. People make mistakes.
Anyways, so, a little off topic, but I have been thinking about my Nanny a lot lately. I think about her often anyways, but here lately, it's been worse. So I was thinking about how my baby sister and baby cousin will be graduating this year, and how my Nanny won't get to see that. Then I got to thinking about ALL the things she's missed: me graduating, me going to UK, the birth of her first great grand baby, the LIFE of her first great grand baby, me getting engaged, my baby sister and baby cousin graduating, my baby cousin (her first grand son) going to college. Just everything. Everything I know she would have enjoyed, and praised us for, and just been overwhelmed. Then I realized that one of the most cherished people to have ever graced my life will not see me walk down the aisle in September. And it broke my heart. I won't get to laugh at her fussing with my dad about little details, I won't get to shop for stuff with her, I won't get to see her tearing up and feel her hug me and kiss my cheek, double checking to make sure she didn't leave a kiss mark on it (but later wishing she had left it to point out where Joshua will be expected to kiss me so my dad doesn't have a heart attack), as I prepare to walk down the aisle and into a new life. She'll get to see me, but I won't see her. Then I realized how selfish I was being, and proceeded on to ponder about my sister and cousin. They were a lot younger when she passed, so they weren't able to enjoy her like I was able to. And I regret that for them. I started to regret taking up so much of her time, even though she had legally adopted me and I was by law considered her child, it still hurt me. So I thought about how Nanny got to see me turn 13. She got to see so many more of my accomplishments than theirs. So, in a week or two, as my sister and cousin walk across the platform to receive their diplomas, my Nanny won't be standing there screaming for them and then crying and hugging them and telling them how proud she is of them. She wasn't for me either, but she saw many more of my major "milestones", and this would have been one of their BIG firsts. I think I'll have to get them both something special for their graduation presents. I think I already know what I'm going to get them. Also, my dad and brother and uncle Jimmy drove to meet that Amish man in Indiana for my Nanny, but it was already too late for her. None of his cures could work.
But anyways...back to the topic at hand...
Shortly after she passed, my cousin Chris was murdered. But, I'll dwell on that later on in my blogging future...
Somewhere around that same time my Nannys sister, my great Aunt Porky, was found to have melanoma cancer. She has been in and out of remission for years. And as far as I know, is currently in remission. I saw her recently (at the funeral home for a cousin...) and she looks so great! Her fabulous red hair is back in as thick as ever. And she reminded me so much of my Nanny, I almost cried.
Then, in 2008 or 2009, my Great Uncle Tony, another of my Nannys brothers, was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Maliformae. The spelling may be off, but it's a really rare, and aggressive form of brain cancer. Its the same cancer that the recent Kennedy man died from. He died shortly after my Uncle was diagnosed actually. Upon seeing this on the news, my Uncle said to his wife "see honey, that man had all the money in the world, and it still couldn't save him from this..." it was horrible. I witnessed so much more of the progression of the cancer in him than I ever did with my Nanny. Towards the end of my Nannys life, and hospital stay, I was barred from the room. She refused to allow me in to see her. So I sat and waited, hoping she'd let me in soon. I knew she was going, and I wanted so badly to say goodbye and tell her I love her. But every time I tried to enter, a family member would basically tackle me, no way in hell was I going to get into that room. I think that's another reason I'm still so hung up on her death, I was never able to say goodbye. I never had the chance to tell her all those little things I really needed and wanted to. I also think that also applies to my dad as well. He had come home and was called and told she was going to be passing soon, he drove like crazy, but wasn't able to get there in time. So my cousin Renee says the song "The Baby" by Blake Shelton reminds her of my dad a lot and I can't even listen to it without crying. But back to Tony, He also was taken to meet Dr. Amish, he was "prescribed" tons of stuff, and while he followed those directions, he was somewhat better, but he couldn't really afford to keep up with it, so that set him back. He started Chemo and his skin became so paper thin. I was so afraid to hug him. Although I did tell him I loved him as often as I could. He was one of my favorite "Barnes siblings". He passed away in February last year. A long, hard fought battle, but in the end a good man lost.
I know somewhere in all this, there has been a couple other of those siblings that have passed on, and I think at least one was from cancer as well. I just wasn't as close to them, and I don't want to mention names and stuff and mess it all up. I feel like it'd be disrespectful. :(
So yesterday. We received news that another of my great Uncles has cancer as well. My Great Uncle Richard. Another of my personal favorites. As far as I know, as of right now, it's in his throat. He is supposed to go sometime this week, he may have actually went today, to have some of it (what they could get) removed. It literally devastated me. I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to emotionally handle this. Never mind me, but his kids! And siblings! It's like cancer is haunting my family. And there's nothing we can do, but pray. So I am. With everything in me. This man also informed me here recently that the day me and Joshua plan to get married on is the day he gave his life to the Lord a year or so ago. Again, I almost cried when he told me that. In a way, it's a sign I think, I don't know what for yet, but it's a good sign.

Oh Cancer, how you torment us. Coming, and going, just to come back again. Pisses me off. I'm so tired of it. I'm tired of the death and cancer. And not just in my family. But everywhere. Cancer is everywhere. I know friends whose mothers have ovarian cancer. I know friends whose brother in laws have cancer, and he's close to my age. A young lady, that I only met once but will forever remember her faith in the lord, passed away last year. She was only 18 or 19.
Theres a little boy at Brendons school who has Leukemia. Which kills me because my mothers brother (who is a twin, the living twin is named Chris) passed away when he was 8 or 9. Which that was years and years ago. But still. That's a baby. That boy at Brendons school, he's a baby! He hasn't LIVED yet! And now he may not.
Cancer doesn't judge your age, your wealth, social standing, knowledge...nothing. It's just picks at random. It just kills at random. It's a serial killer dwelling within the human race. A serial killer we can't catch or hold on to long enough to defeat. Chemo is supposed to be the superhero against this villain, but sometimes, just sometimes, I think it's an accomplice.

Another thing that angers me about Cancer? (and I know y'all just love my rants and probably want me to shut up now)...another thing, is the "sympathizers". The people who have never witnessed a destruction to a person and their family like that of cancer. The people who say "oh, I understand! It'll all get better. Just be strong! And pray!" how? How can we be strong when a lot of the times the person we're being forced to be strong for was the strongest person we know?! How do you understand what is going through our minds at night when you have never walked into a hospital room and saw your loved one frail, thin (or bloated because of chemo), not able to fully speak, and most heart crushing of all, sometimes not even aware that you are there or (worst of all) WHO you are?!?! That was my uncle sitting in his recliner, most of the time I was there, he called me different names. The strong man who used to sit me on his lap and draw me funny pictures or play me silly songs on his guitar...had no idea who I was. If you've never experienced that, then you damn sure don't understand. And I pray to God and thank him that you don't and hopefully never will. But how do you know that it'll get better? My uncles odds? Like 1% of the patients for this form of cancer live a long life past their "expiration date". My uncle lived a few months after his, but it still got him in the end. And what's a few months?! Nothing to a family. Absolutely nothing. The only thing true that they usually say is: "Just pray!!". Pray until you can't pray anymore. And forgive them for not knowing. Forgive them for trying to help you when they don't understand. Let them love you and let them help you be strong. Let those people who want to hug you constantly, hug you, because a lot of the time, they don't know what else to do or say and that's all they can think of in that moment. And everybody needs a good hug. It will help a little. Maybe not on the worse days, but sometimes, it'll help. Sometimes the people are hugging you because they themselves need a hug. Just let it go, and accept it. You'll probably find out who your true friends are when something like this happens. Those that will text or call you when you post an especially sad fb status. Those that will keep up with your loved ones progresses, and not mention when something bad has happened with their diagnosis. Those that will lend a shoulder to cry on and an ear to vent into at 1 am just because you really needed to get the anger out. Those that will come to the funeral for moral support. It's those people that you want to be around. It's those people who may not understand but will try their hardest to lend you strength when you need it most. But most of all, lean on God. And don't bottle it all up. You'll implode, trust me.

I think this post got a little off track...whoops. But, I'm all out of tears tonight, and I really must get to bed soon.
But I'll close with this: someone will probably call/text me or are thinking it as they read this, but they'll say/think: "wow Shannon. You sound really angry!!!" I am. I am very angry. I am upset and hurt. I am heart broken and devastated. I am tired. I am depressed that what was going to be such a happy year for me, may just as well turn out like the past 10, and end with another funeral. I am a very pissed person. I apologize if I have offended you. But I will not apologize for my anger. I will not apologize for speaking out so aggressively against something that has plagued one side of my family for YEARS. And probably will continue to do so. More importantly though, I refuse to back down. I refuse to give in to this plague from Satan. I refuse to let my faith waiver, even slightly. I made that mistake once, I will not do it again.
I will stand strong beside my family. And try to help them through this.
And with/for others as well. Anybody I know who is going through this can get in touch with me whenever they need to talk. I have no qualms at all about it. Everybody needs support. And it helps if the person they're talking to has a background with this type of stuff. So, if you need me, get in touch with me. Whenever you need it.

Just keep in mind something I thought of after my Nanny passed:: "Cancer is a bitch. But, every dog has its day."

Now, I NEED my bed. ;)
As always, with Love & Laughter (albeit, less from this post...)
And God Bless.
<3