Screaming At God

A few days ago I was talking to a friend, via Facebook. I felt like I had a word for her. I'd felt this "word" for a couple weeks, and finally couldn't hold it in any longer. It spilled out, and we ended up having a conversation about her infertility. Which is a touchy enough subject, alone. Adding in God makes it even more sensitive. I apologized for my possible intrusion upon their religious beliefs, of which I know nothing about their preferences. She informed me that I hadn't intruded at all, and they truly needed to hear what I had to say, and that they were so very thankful.

They've been trying for a few years to conceive, she was venting to me and I was listening. At one point my response was "I know God has a plan for you all!". Wait. Did I just say that? 

While I 100% wholeheartedly agree, I had to backtrack. I do think God has a plan for every single person. It doesn't always make the reciepemt of that comment feel any better. And I know that all to well. This is what I said: 

                "I agree. It's not easy. It is so hard to remain faithful when you just want to give up. When      you think you're doing everything you can and should be doing, and it's just not working out. You feel that your prayers go unanswered, and your faith dwindles every day you're not pregnant. It's easy for me to say "God has a plan!" because I'm not going through what you all are, I know that's probably one of the most over stated and useless comments for you all. Ever. I think that would make it harder. I don't know why I even said that. I know how I feel in regards to Owen, when people say that. I smile, tight lipped of course, and say "yep! He sure does!" but deep down inside, I'm seething. I'm thinking "well, what is it God? What's your master plan?! Where does all of THIS fall into THAT plan?! The plan I'm hoping for. The plan I'm betting on being grand. Can I see a blueprint? An outline? How about a brainstorming session between you, Jesus and the Holy Ghost?! How about including me. Anything? No? So, I just wait. That's great. Thanks." And it SUCKS! But later on, after all that has passed, and I'm not angry or mentally screaming at God anymore; I apologize. I envision God sitting up there, knowing how mad I am. He knew I would be mad before I even felt that first red hot flame trickle through me. He's sitting with his elbow propped on a desk, chin in hand, and he's smiling. He's like "look at you. All fired up. You're so cute when you're mad. You're such a fireball. So ready to take on the world for your babies. That's why I gave them to you! That's your role in this plan! You're the Momma! I entrusted these children to you for a reason that may not even happen in your lifetime. Don't fret. Look what I've brought you through!! Do you think I did all that work and put you through all that I did just to forsake you? No, my child. But you can scream at me all you want. I'll bear the brunt of your anger. That's what I'm here for." And it dawns on me. That's what he's there for! He's there for us to turn all our problems and anger and sadness to. That's what he wants us to do. He wants to shoulder that burden for us. 

When it's easier to scream at God, I think you've reached a point where you're truly giving him all of your troubles. All of your pain, sadness, stress, all of it."

And it's true! So true! I'm the most impatient person ever, I hate waiting. I hate not knowing. I don't like surprises or waiting games. We all know that those are some of Gods finest gifts. Surprises. 

I know, I know. I don't have it as bad as some, I'm not struggling like others. My child is alive, I have children. The list of "I'm not" and "I don't" goes on and on. I know there are people way worse off than me. This isn't a competition, or a pity party. This is me being real. 

I'm sure someone is reading this and thinking "I have never and would never scream at God! How dare you!" I promise, I have a point. You may not like it, but I've got a point. 

My point is this: God is there for you. Always has been, always will be. He's constant. Infinite. He wants to bear our burdens, shoulder our pain, and rejoice in our happiness. He wants us to know that. And He wants us to share all of that with Him. I truly think that when you get to the point that you feel like you can scream at God, and ask him the hard questions. Maybe back talk a little. I think you've reached an amazing place in your relationship with him. Total comfort. Personally, I don't scream and cry and back talk strangers. Mostly my husband. My family. My loved ones. Those that I cherish, and  those that I don't care to show my true emotions, because  I know that at the end of the day their love for me is unconditional. I have their grace, and their mercy. They forgive me for my wrongdoings. But, mostly, they love me, for me. Always have, and always will. Sound familiar?